Material Girl

Boys may come and boys may go
And that’s all right you see
Experience has made me rich
And now they’re after me, cause everybody’s

Living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl.
Madonna, “Material Girl”

Dear Victoria’s Secret,

Since you are so busy with looking gorgeous, trying to coax anorexic models into plush-looking sex kittens with make-up and airbrushing, creating diamond studded bras (this is an oxymoron), and creating fashion shows that will be seen by millions of viewers, mostly distracted men pretending to cultivate an interest in clothing, I thought I would notify you and inform you that we are now in a recession.

Perhaps you already know this. Maybe you have even heard the word “recessionista” as you peddled your credit card on a customer whose defenses were already weakened with the temptation of pretty lingerie and the weight of a man on top of her. I am here to tell you that they are few and far between. Those of us lucky enough to have jobs are saving our pennies for that fateful day when the general public goes berserk over the latest animal flu and Wall Street registers a depression that will send the global economy back into mercantilism, thus prompting her boss to call the said devoted employee into his/her office to hand over a pink slip. For many of us, we have reluctantly discovered pink is the new black and bringing back the "grunge" look. Our panties are holey and we are making that the new “easy access” fad.

The problem is, while all of your peers are throwing sale bashes, you are smugly refraining from indulging your guests in discounts as though it is beneath you. Gone are the days where I could take what was left over of my paycheck, earned $8.00/hour at a time while earning my precious undergrad degree full-time, and purchase a silky frock for $32.00 or a seamless tee-shirt bra, the only one of its kind to prop up my girls properly, for $36.00. Now most of your negligees are nothing special- at best, they are tawdry and unoriginal but twice what I used to pay. I don’t even look at the price of the sexier items, the ones with complicated ropes and ribbons with fabric in weird places. Okay, I peeked once. Let’s just say the black market for premium cocaine is cheaper.

The more affordable options you offer are insufficient. Simply put, I do not want the word “pink” written across my ass. I am at a point in my life where I can dress classy enough to draw attention to that area without letters, adjectives and punctuation.

Another thing that irks me is your oversized portraits of half naked models. I guess some marketing intern came up with the idea that women will feel beautiful and sexy if surrounded my 19 year olds romping around in their underwear. These spring chicks are certainly inviting for men who feel intimidated and threatened when surrounded by thongs and push-up bras. However, it has the opposite effect on me. When I am sent a mailer to my house, I do not want to see a model who looks like Lolita trying to sell me overpriced undergarments. I suddenly hate her and your brand.

Don’t take this too hard. While most of your fellow retailers have caught on the current economic trends, there are a few like you who don’t get it. Gap, for example. For two consecutive Black Fridays in a row, Gap has offered no sale whatsoever for their merchandise. I guess they are unable to witness the line back up in New York and Company since it is on the opposite side of the mall. And your sister store, The Limited. While I admit their clearance items are tempting, I simply cannot fathom spending $80.00 on a dress right now unless I am going to eat it.

Assuming that you are recession proof because you sell sex and that is always in demand is dangerous. My boyfriend is on to you. He will only broach your store if I am visiting to redeem a coupon for free panties (kudos for that, by the way) stating if he wants sexy, he doesn’t want a garb in the way. He is one of the primitive males who firmly holds onto his hard-earned money and would get by on a loin cloth if it was legal and cheap, which is one of the things I love about him.

I hope this little friendly correspondence will remind you that your associates work on commission.

Sincerely,
Pink Lady